May 20, 2012
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Influence Backfire
Serve Dessert First!
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What is
Influence
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Influence is the power you
have to shape another person’s thoughts, feelings, and
actions.
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What is
a Backfire
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Producing an
unexpected and undesirable result.
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| Why it's
Important |
Control
is an illusion. Influence is the only real power we have
with other people, especially our kids. So, it’s important that we amplify
our influence and make sure that the influence we intend is the influence we create.
How you do what you do is just as important as what you do.
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| The Problem |
Sometimes our best intention
backfires. Their experience of our message may color the meaning of the message they
receive. To effectively influence our children we must influence their
desires. Desire drives behavior.
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The Tip
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Serve Dessert First!
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Step 1 - Pick a Promise
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Choose a parenting promise; here's a common one:
I promise to teach you how to take care of yourself and be healthy.
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Step 2- Break it Down
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Break the elements of this
promise into smaller, age appropriate actions, such as choosing a well-balanced diet.
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Step 3-Focus on Happiness
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Focus on the happiness element
in the notions of “taking care of yourself” and “being healthy.” |
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Step 4-Experiment
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Experiment and serve dessert
first! Dessert makes people happy. Acknowledge dessert as a
necessary food group and serve it first!
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Wait … before you run away
horrified consider this:
Dessert is often used as a
bribe to get kids to eat other foods. When dessert is used as a carrot, the other
foods are seen as part of the stick. Does that influence desire to eat
healthy foods? Nope.
Be Real
Not many adults can deny
the happiness of an ice cream sundae. For me, ice cream is just as important
as other foods so I plan meals to ensure that I get enough of everything. That
way I’m happy—happy in every sense of the word.
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| Step 5-Evaluate |
After the
experiment, evaluate the influence you had on desire.
- Were your
kids more willing to eat dinner?
- Were they
encouraged by your display of trust?
- Did you
enjoy the mealtime experience a bit more?
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My
Story
My youngest son, Jack,
is a junk-food lover. After trying all sorts of carrot/stick tactics to promote healthy
habits, I realized my efforts were backfiring in two big ways.
Backfire
#1: Sneaking
Snacking. By 1st grade he’d
figured out how to trade food for sweets with his friends during lunch at school. He also
learned how to swipe candy at home and hide the wrappers—though thankfully not very
well.
I can't
influence him if I don’t know what’s going on.
Backfire
#2: Doubt. Jack began to doubt
me. He began to wonder if I “got” him at all because it seemed I just couldn’t understand
how important dessert was to his happiness.
I can't
influence him if he doesn’t believe I “get” him.
Benefits!
| Trust |
By acknowledging
and accepting the urgency of someone else’s needs (whether you agree with them or not) you communicate deeper
understanding.
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| Understood |
Messages sent are
received as intended
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Influence
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With trust and understanding you have the ability to influence.
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Related Articles: Tip First, Decisions and the People Who Pay the Price. Consider the backfire with Time Magazine’s cover story, Are You Mom
Enough?
Related Tip of the Week: Have
Faith, Peer
Pressure,
Chime in >> What do you think?
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